Morbid obesity. I hate that description of myself, but I saw it on my medical records. Morbid obesity meant my overweight condition would kill me if continued; 100 pounds overweight is morbidly obese.

Pain, as in joints. My arthritis pain was aggravated by many years of morbid obesity. It has lessened considerably after nine and a half years in a normal body size.

Poor health. In addition to arthritis, I suffered borderline diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart palpitations and constant indigestion. I had two surgeries for bone spurs between my toes. I had knee surgery twice for damage resulting from overload on my joints. I was hospitalized twice for bowel problems.

Emotional flat line. I made life decisions while drugged on excess food, which adversely affected my life. I felt little pain, but also no joy, excitement, love or happiness. When I felt fear, anxiety or lack of love, I used food to live life on my terms.

Lack of clear judgment: While drugged, I made poor job decisions, married three alcoholics, ran up credit card debt and did not keep a clean home.

Lack of control. The majority of my decisions were based on food: my need to have it, how I would get it and my terror of not having it. While I felt that I controlled things, the truth was that food controlled me. I operated under false values.

Pleasure. What pleasure? I was depressed. Long ago, I must have had one pleasurable moment with food and then chased that dream for the next 39 years. Some life of pleasure! I pasted on a smile for the world. I lived a lie.

Loneliness. Food cannot hug me, hold me or converse with me. The night I hit my bottom I ate so much that I thought my stomach would burst, and I considered ways of ending my life. Food did not comfort me.

Delayed feelings. When I began feeling anxious, food took the edge off and delayed the feeling. Then I could take no action to solve whatever problem caused the anxiety.

Safety. I took no risks. I stayed in a false feeling of safety and did not grow as a person.

Demoralized character. I did nothing to build character. I had no desire to be moral, self-respecting or helpful to others.

Paranoia. I felt that people were out to get me. I ate to numb that feeling. I could not face the reality that most people were not even thinking about me!